We couldn’t write this list without including the benchmark –
the least-private private club on this list. If you’ve not fought
tooth and nail for a candy-striped pool lounger at the Shoreditch
outpost of this world-spanning club, can you even call yourself a
London creative? Founded in 1995, the original Greek Street address
has become the membership du jour for the capital’s cool crowd.
Breakfast meeting in town? We’ll bet our Every House membership
it’s eggs benedict at the Dean Street garrison. Dinner date? It can
only be the lobster spaghetti with a large glass of gavi at White
City’s Club Cecconi. And the best bit? This is a membership that
travels well, with close-to-the-city outposts for weekends away and
slick properties parachuted into sun-soaked destinations from Bali
to Barcelona, plus soon-to-open spots in Miami, Bangkok and more.
Sure, some say the yes list is a touch too long nowadays, but if
you’re wanting easy access to London’s in-crowd, you know where to
find it. Plus, the distinctive House design always gets our
vote.

What it costs: Annual Local House membership
costs from £550, plus a £300 introduction fee. Every House
membership costs from £2,500. Soho Friends starts from £100 per
year and offers access to bedrooms, studios and events (but not
houses).

A word of warning: head into the art deco elegance of the
six-storey Mortimer House without a MacBook tucked under your arm
and you’ll get serious FOMO. This Fitzrovia spot is geared towards
the modern worker, with contemporary workspaces, private studies
and individual desks all on offer for hatching burgeoning business
plans. It’s not all work and no play, though: stretch your legs
with a free barre class at the fully equipped, 24-hour gym, then
sign up for some of the club’s mind-expanding sessions (journalling
introductions, cultural discussions and summer parties on the
fairy-lit rooftop included). Restaurant-wise, you can enjoy lunch
al-desko by ordering from a delivered-to-you menu spanning the Med
to the Middle East, or head downstairs to the neighbourhood bistro
for caprese salad, watercress risotto and fennel-infused sea bass.
Next time you need us for a business meeting? Let’s do it here.

What it costs: Membership costs £80 per month,
plus a £250 joining fee. Workspace membership starts from £200 per
month.

The founding ethos of this Covent Garden collective is an
antithesis to old-school private clubs. Members of The Conduit have
to be game changers who want to join a community of like-minded
individuals seeking solutions to pressing global issues (if you’re
here for a good time, you might want to head to Soho instead). The
intellectual slant plays out in what’s on offer across all six
floors of the sustainable space: there are two restaurants, whose
menus are 75 per cent vegetarian, a bookshop and a podcast studio,
plus a seriously packed rota of fireside chats, panel discussions
and workshops (past guests have included Christiane Amanpour and Al
Gore).

What it costs: Annual membership costs from
£1,800, plus a £700 joining fee.

The membership card to this City-based club offers
access-all-areas privileges across the sexy, sophisticated stay
housed in a former bank. Ascend to the members-only rooftop space
to dip into the heated pool, take in some late-night live music at
the subterranean bar located in an original bank vault or find
middle ground at the gym and spa. Membership grants you discounts
to the ground-floor restaurants from Monday to Wednesday, and
you’ll get member rates on the decadent hotel bedrooms.

What it costs: Annual membership costs from
£2,200. A truncated membership, which offers access to some of the
club’s restaurants and bars, plus events, costs £250 annually.

If you’re on the dancefloor of this ultra-exclusive Mayfair
hangout, chances are you’ll be hip-grinding with royalty. The
legendary club was one of the first to offer an alternative to the
po-faced grandeur of the St James’ old guard and it has been
pulling in the baby-faced blue-blooded ever since. Opened in 1963
by Old Etonian Mark Birley, a recent ownership switch saw £65
million splurged on a psychedelic renovation of the current
Berkeley Square townhouse location, dressing restaurants, bars and
the infamous subterranean nightclub in eclectic, exotic interiors –
think baby-pink, shell-shaped vanities, jungle-print wallpaper,
clashing patterns and enough chintz to furnish a small castle
(something we assume most members likely own). We’re not sure we’ll
ever make it inside without an honorary title before our name, but
we can dream.

The damage: If you get past the preposterous
proposal scheme, you’ll be waving goodbye to £3,250 per year, plus
a £1,750 joining fee.

Calling all culotte-wearing, Guardian-flicking literary luvvies.
Created by a group of women publishers in the 1980s as a refuge
from the male-dominated mess of their business, this maverick
matriarchs’ club is a vital chamber of London’s bohemian heart.
Open to creatively careered men and women (though you’ll need to be
proposed and seconded by two current members), access to the club’s
art-hung first-floor dining room, low-key, low-lit bedrooms and
refined atmosphere are basically a sign that you’ve made it in the
media and entertainment businesses. Known members of “the Grouch”
include hedonistic 90s high-flyers Mark Ronson, Lily Allen and Kate
Moss. A change of ownership in August has seen the new proprietors
propose enticing in some young blood, so there’s no better time to
try your luck than now.

The damage: Annual membership costs from £500,
plus a £250 joining fee.

A labyrinth-like cluster of rooms sprouting from Camden’s
coolest music venue, The House of Koko only opened in April and
it’s already sent vibrations through the city. A £70 million
refurbishment of the legendary theatre (we’re talking a space where
David Bowie, Amy Winehouse and Dua Lipa have all performed) has
seen the addition of a quartz-lined cocktail lounge, private dining
rooms, vinyl-clad listening booths, a piano room and
state-of-the-art radio station, plus dazzlingly designed lounge
spaces, all distinctly 70s-inspired in design (and with insane
sound systems, too). Throw in the Bob Dylan artworks on the walls,
a seductive speakeasy, moody jazz club and exclusive members’
access to late-night acoustic performances and you have what is
probably London’s edgiest club right now.

What it costs: Annual membership costs £1,500,
plus a £250 joining fee.

A London club bringing fresh-faced youth back to Mayfair’s
silver-haired streets. Despite its grand, grey Portland stone
facade, this Grosvenor Square hideaway offers a new take on
tradition. Conceived by Navid Mirtorabi and Jamie Reuben,
The Twenty Two aims to be a little less formal, and a little
more accessible than former stuffy Mayfair private spaces.
Maximalist interiors lean into the old-world heritage of the
Edwardian property, pairing Mario Testino cool with 1920s good
times, while a powder-blue painted restaurant offers sharp British
fare, plus a touch of Med sunshine. Members have access to four
exclusive spaces (shared with hotel guests). Our favourite is The
Music Room – a leopard-print-carpeted, moodily lit discotheque
downstairs.

What it costs: POA (eek)